On the (previously nauseating) Subject of my own voice
I’ve always edited myself and have not been able to disagree with people, as I had learnt that would always lead to violence towards me.
Even trying to say those words earlier lead me to floods of tears and a choked voice.
I’m learning a lot recently; Releasing myself from the past and becoming a functional person again; Giving myself permission from hereon in to disagree and question things on the spot in relationships that really matter to me.
I felt editing myself from disagreeing was protecting me or whoever in the short term but it wasn’t protecting me at all, not in the long term.
I like you more when you’ve had a drink!
People always say they like me more when I’ve had a drink. I always took that as meaning they didn’t like me when I wasn’t.
No, they actually were only saying they liked me – more!
I only realised that, this morning, doing an exercise questioning my long term beliefs.
I kept saying I wanted my own voice ad nauseum. This morning I decided to pull it apart. I was sick of hearing it.
I realised a while ago that I wanted to be that person everyone liked more without the need for beer.
The only difference being with alcohol I wasn’t editing myself I was just speaking, having opinions, agreeing, disagreeing, being functional in the moment.
Working it through
So today I have worked through the reasons questioning words in statements like :
Why am I scared to disagree?
– Always leads to violence
– well no, not always, not usually ever with anyone I’ve ever known since
There was no compromise ever.
– She did when we got married because I wouldn’t do it in a church
It turns out I was protecting myself in the short term by digging my heels in. This lead to a long term, life time (until now) of distress.
So, to avoid long term distress :
– in relationships that matter I need to disagree in the moment
There may be short term repercussions, but there will be long term gains, even if those gains don’t seem positive in the short term.
– I don’t need to protect myself by not disagreeing..
Wait a minute, let’s turn that around :
– I need to protect myself by disagreeing
Meaning I would be behaving in a more functional, unedited way.
To be functional I need to allow myself to disagree AND allow others to disagree with me in the relationships that matter to me.
On the spot! That means we are having a functional relationship!
Not arguing for the sake of arguing but disagreeing, agreeing, talking, debating all the things that create stars of inspiration that grow and grow.
The result is now that I can now say things like :
Wait a minute I disagree with that
Then, say how I disagree or
Ask them what they mean by it
Through this process I am releasing myself. It took my sister to point me along the right road and for me to analyse a phrase that I’m sick of hearing myself falling back on, own voice, own voice, own voice. Argh!
Analysing what that phrase really meant and unlocking two key phrases lead to immediate tears and a fear of opening a door, the contents behind which I felt would drown me or maybe, I told myself, it’s got nothing behind it all. Whatever it is I’ve got to do this.
I titled my paper On the Subject of my own voice. I wrote Own Voice in a circle in the centre with two branches.
The first thing I wrote coming off it :
I’m afraid to have my own voice
Or disagree, I thought.
Secondly, I wrote :
And then expanded it to:
Why am I scared to Disagree
That had me in the floods of tears because I knew my answer.
I was about to open a door in my mind that has been closed for so long I have never ventured beyond it – except when drinking alcohol.
I eventually put an arrow, after several floods of tears and in a choked voice spoke and wrote ;
Always leads to violence towards me
No longer scared
That ‘always’ is now crossed out. Three pages of notes and questioning later, I can read ‘always leads to violence towards me’ without bursting into tears. I can read it in a fully functional way. I know why I felt scared to disagree, I’ve faced it and now I’m no longer scared.
Disagreeing is a beautiful thing. It creates conversation, it allows ideas to be studied and shared, and the stars of inspiration to be born.
I also write :
Setting myself free to be who I am wherever I am
I try to edit myself even then. No, I tell myself, write it down, so I add in brackets
(but without causing hurt – that’s editorial)
Unlocking the next obstacle
So I prepare to move on. On my next page I write the new circled realisation :
Taking Responsibility for Someone Else’s Feeling
And add a line linking back to the disfunctional thinking from which it has come ;
– founded in not causing hurt by disagreeing or pointing something out.
I already know, having just relearnt it, disagreeing and pointing out is a good thing to do. It’s functional, you can be agreeable or disagreeable because if you aren’t then you lack a voice, you lack a personality!
So, now I have uncovered a double whammy, I am now also letting go of taking responsibility for other people’s feelings too because people like me more when I do agree and disagree with them. They value my opinions even if those feelings hurt their feelings in the short term.
The long term benefits of allowing yourself to disagree are much, much better, leading to a loving, caring and creative way of building relationships. A way I have forsaken for far too long.